So this topic has been weighing heavily (no pun intended) on me lately. If you follow my social media you know i’m known for the plus size girl who is full of confidence and found love at her highest weight. And while that is mostly true (I too suffer from insecurities too), lately I have been getting a lot of flack for promoting a healthier lifestyle. There are some who feel as though I have abandoned my self love beliefs because I want to become a healthier version of my self. So I feel the need to just get it out there, have “the talk” and explain the why’s of what got me here and why I feel the need for change.
Ok so here is where I have the difficult talk of what got me here. You know I’m an open book, and with that comes times where I need to be open with myself and acknowledge truths of why I have spent my adult life overweight. Sadly it is a story all too many of us can relate to. At the age of 5 I was sexually abused by a neighbor. He was the big brother of my friends and later I would find out that he had been abusing his sisters, my friends for years. I wish I could say that that was the worst of what he did to me, but it wasn’t. He subjected me to images, horrific images that only further took away my innocence and my sense of safety. From that moment on I feared men, I mean I could not be in the same room with any man, even those who would absolutely do no harm to me. As much as I wish more then anything that those moments didn’t alter the course of my life, changing me forever, but the truth is that dealing with trauma like that at such a young age did change me. I had a hard time feeling safe and even more I had hard time valuing myself. So naturally when it came to relationships with men, I succumbed to things I didn’t want. I feared what would happen if I didn’t and honestly I didn’t love myself to know that I was worth more. I became a mother at 17, and soon after my son’s birth the weight started to creep on. I remember starting college 6 weeks after my son’s birth, determined to be better for HIM, not me, and sitting in the cafeteria looking at people my age so carefree void of major responsibilities. I felt so alone and isolated so I ate, ate all of those feelings down. The more I ate the more invisible I felt, the deeper I went into a fog of depression. The only thing that I had in my life that brought me joy was my son and I was determined that everything I did moving forward would be for the betterment of his life, not my own.
My weight, like so many others, would become my shield of protection. Although I have always tried to carry myself with pride and hold my head high, the weight was comforting. I felt as though I could hide behind it and somehow it would keep me invisible. But it didn’t stop hurt from happening in my life. There were times in my life over the years that I would be determined to lose the weight, and I did. But because I was not honest with myself, and because a lot of the time I was doing it for the wrong reason, I would end up gaining it all back. Over the years though I learned to love myself even with the extra weight. I realized that I did not want to be a victim anymore, I wanted to take back what my abuser did to me. It’s been a long road but I have come to a place where I truly am happy with myself. But that’s where things get murky for most.
I have been honored to be able to have a platform where I can address self confidence issues with other women. What I put out there is the truth about myself, I don’t fake my confidence but with that I also don’t fake my health for the sake of making others feel comfortable. The truth is, I have been ignoring my health for some time now. Being that i’m so used to taking care of others i’ve always been one to take everyone else to dr’s appts but not making them for myself. I have been dealing with hypothyroid for over 20 years now, and I do go to the dr for that, but there are other issues that i’ve allowed to be ignored and I can no longer do that. I made myself a promise that this year I would take my health more seriously, and part of that is recognizing that those bad habits from long ago have crept back in. This time for different reasons. I got married to my amazing husband and honestly got complacent..lol. Plus we are both foodies and he LOVES to spoil me with all of my favorites, so over time I saw my clothes fitting tighter and more importantly I found myself getting more winded and having a harder time with physical exertion and that is when I knew that it was time to do something. So that is exactly what I’m doing, and guess what, i’m sharing that journey with you. Not because I feel like everyone should join me, or because i’m saying there is something wrong with you, but because it might inspire others to put their health first. I want you to know that when I envision my “healthy” body, it includes my curves, my thighs and booty. I have never desired to be what most people would call “skinny'“ because I truly believe we are all not meant for that body type. But I desire to be stronger, to be able to get a clean bill of health from my dr and to enjoy activities that won’t leave me winded. And if that isn’t the definition of self love, I don’t know what is.
So I pray as you see my posts about how I eat, or my workouts you realize that this is coming from a place of wanting the best for myself! After all how can I tell you to live your best life if i’m allowing myself to be complacent at the comfort of others? We all have different visions for ourselves and who am I to tell you what healthy for you looks like? Therefore who are you to tell me that I am not standing by my body positivity because I chose to become healthier? Can we all take less time worrying about how others live their lives, and focus on what brings us joy? I mean I want to be around for a long, long time. I have people who are relying on me to be the best version of myself! And honestly for the first time in my life, I am treating my body the way it deserves and that is a great feeling!!!!
As always, I appreciate all the support I am given everyday! Love you all!!